AT LEAST SHE GOT A HELMET

Cliff jumping should be a choice—can I get an amen? The woman in the picture is all geared up. She’s prepared and equipped…and she chose to climb up there to participate in this adventure! But for those betrayed by the person they trusted the most, it feels like being sucker-punched, dragged up the rocks and pushed off the cliff —with no preparation or safety gear —into a sea of confusion and overwhelming emotions.

Betrayal is the most disorienting experience I’ve ever known. The bizarre and irrational became the common and expected, which makes sense because traumatic circumstances usually result in trauma responses like shock, confusion, memory loss, fog and forgetfulness. I forgot to do routine things. Lost my keys many times. I put milk in the pantry and cereal in the fridge. I’d arrive somewhere and not remember driving there and would find myself zoned out with no idea how much time had passed. Sometimes I couldn’t articulate my thoughts, find the right word, or even read well. My mood fluctuations appeared irrational…a sticky note that said, “I love you” could trigger a sob session one time and a string of expletives the next.

All of those things added to my growing belief that I couldn’t trust myself. I’d already built a case—I didn’t see the red flags, I was duped and played a fool by people I trusted, I believed my reality was congruent with his reality, I ignored gut feelings and rationalized things that didn’t make sense. So throw some bat-shit-crazy (appearing ◡̈ ) behavior on top of all that, and the case could definitely be made that I was losing it.

Fair. But so not fair!

I didn’t feel safe. I didn’t know what to do. But I continued to put one foot in front of the other. I talked to my therapist, scoured amazon and the internet for every bit of information I could find on the crazy new buzzword(s) “Betrayal Trauma.” I journaled and read relentlessly, I logged an unknown number of hours on the nearby trails walking, listening to worship music, recovery podcasts and audible books. The thriving trees are testimony to the number of tears cried in that forest.

The point is, whatever whacky emotions and behaviors are going on for you right now—it’s normal, and actually, expected. Shock is real. Post Traumatic Stress is real. Your pain and disorientation and brain fog—it’s all real. I want to challenge you to make a list of the things that are happening that don’t match up to your normal, everyday actions. After you’ve written at least 20 things, set the list in front of you and offer compassionate words to yourself. It might look something like this:

I’ve misplaced my keys so many times I can’t keep track.

Yep! And it’s totally normal. It’d be hard for anyone to keep track of things in my situation. There is so much on my mind all the time that I get distracted easily. My fog is actually my brain doing it’s job of protecting me from a threat too large to process at once. I’m grateful for that. I know the fog will lift and clarity will come soon.

Okay, go get some fresh air! Breathe in all things good. Exhale the negative and things you can’t control.

You’ve got this.